The Diet of Doom!
by Keishafabo
Summary: Ryu tells Hayate that he is fat, so Hayate goes on a diet! But its gonna be kinda hard cause since Hayate has this ...chocolate obsseion.
1. Ryu tells the truth

So this is my first fanfiic, so don't be mean. mkay? Anyways I like Hayate (I think he's pretty sexy), BUT...I also think that he gained a BIT of weight in DOA4. So there. Its been said. Oh, before I forget this is totally OOC and dosen't go with the Dead or Alive story. Just a heads up. Oh and the next chapter won't be this short. Pinky Promise!

Anywho, Laugh. Read. Review!

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Hayate's diet of doom

It was that time of the week again. That's right, the metro sexual hour. Every week Hayate and Ryu would have an hour to pamper themselves. They had to have time to make themselves look good.

Hayate was looking at himself in his full length mirror he secretly kept in his closet and Ryu was busy filing his nails. Hayate was busy doing his weekly review on all of his poises.

_The gun point and wink_. Check

_The victory poise._ Lookin good.

_The profile look._ Okey...dokey?

"Hey Ryu..." Hayate said as he turned to his best friend.

"Yeah"

"Do you think...do you think that I've gotten...fat?"

Ryu looked up from his nails ,"Do you really want me to tell you the truth?"

Hayate got the hint and he started to tear up. "When did this happen!?"

"Last week since you discovered the magic of chocolate and you were brought under its curse..."

"You mean when I bought those 3 boxes of chocolate from that traveling girl scout and 12 DVD rentals, then locked myself in my room?"

"Yep..."

"But when I came out nobody said anything."

"You didn't ask anything until now..."

Hayate now understood everything that had happened that week. Why every time he saw Ayane in the hallway she always turned and walked back around. Why Kasumi had given him only fruit during dinner. Why those little boys down the street threw a rock at him and called him a fat ass. It all made sense...

"No, I can't let this happen! I have to go on a diet!" Hayate proclaimed throwing his fist in the air. In his fist was a chocolate bar. "Oh hey...cool..." Hayate unwrapped the bar and started to eat it.

Before he could swallow it, Ryu grabbed his arm. "Spit it out!" Ryu commanded and opened his palm near Hayate's mouth.

"Mmm-mmm."

"Spit it out!" Ryu grabbed Hayate's face but Hayate shook free and swallowed the chocolate.

"Haha..." Hayate mocked as he opened his mouth to show that the chocolate was gone. He didn't notice that Ryu had taken his chocolate and stuffed it in his mouth.

" Gasps You bastard!" And Hayate pounced on Ryu.

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Ayane heard the announcer lady say,"Get ready, fight." coming from Hayate's room and ran inside to find Hayate and Ryu rolling on the floor.

_Hot..._

She was about to sit on the bed and watch but shook her head.

_What the...no not hot. Don't sit and watch!_

"HEY!" Ayane yelled getting both Hayate's and Ryu's attention. Hayate was pulling Ryu's hair and Ryu was biting Hayate's arm. "What are you guys doing?"

Hayate immediately stood up and pointed at Ryu. "First he tells me that I'm fat, then he goes and steals my chocolate, then eats it!"

Ryu got up and pointed at Hayate. "He asked me to tell him if he was fat or not and then he said he was going on a diet them starts eating a chocolate bar!"

Suddenly Kasumi's head popped through the door, "I heard the announcer lady, whats going on?"

"Something about being fat, dieting, and chocolate." Ayane replied.

"Okay let me explain-"Ryu started but was cut off by a Hayate.

"Why do you get to explain?"

"Cause I'm not the one who needs to go on a diet..."

Hayate was about to pounce on Ryu again but Kasumi got between them and did the time out sign.

"Alright, from what I've heard, Hayate wants to go on a diet because he has gotten fat and was about to eat some chocolate even though he said he was going on a diet, and Ryu tried to stop him and ate his chocolate. Hayate got mad and then they fought." Kasumi inhaled after she was done.

"Smartass..." Ayane muttered.

"What? Kasumi, Ayane do you think that I've gotten fat?" Hayate said hopeful that his own family would stick up for him.

Kasumi and Ayane looked at each other, then Ayane spoke up,"We didn't want to say anything but..."

Hayate started to tear up again. Kasumi to the rescue. "Don't worry Nii-san, dieting is easy all you have to do is eat correctly and exercise...also you have to stop eating chocolate."

"What was that last part?"

"Oh, nothing. Come on I'll make you a salad." Taking Hayate by the hand and leading him into the kitchen.

"Hey Kasumi what is a s-a-l-a-d?"

"You'll see!"


	2. Chuck Nowwis

Yay, I got my first reviews! I'm so happy about it!.

Chiffon-Your my first reviewer! That makes you kewl(cool) in my book of cool.

Erilin-chan-More is on the way:D

Laugh. Read. Review! (Do you feel a catch phrase coming on?)

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Ryu and Ayane looked over Hayate's shoulder when Kasumi put the s-a-l-a-d on the table.

"Eww ... freakin gross." Ryu said.

"Looks yucky..." Ayane pocked a piece of celery with a fork.

"Kasumi," Hayate groaned "I don't wanna eat this."

"Do you wanna lose weight or not?"

Hayate cringed. "Okay I'll do it."

"Hold on, Hayate. Ryu, go get the camera! Go get the camera! This is gonna be great!" Ayane said hoping up and down in excitement.

Ryu disappeared in leaves but then reappeared, this time with a video camera. "This is gonna be awesome!" Ryu zoomed in on the s-a-l-a-d and then at Hayate.

_Damn peer pressure._

"Okay ready?" Kasumi asked.

"Uh..."

Hayate picked up a slice of tomato.

Ayane started to bang on the table and chanted "Do it, Do it..." Then Ryu joined with his free hand , even Kasumi joined.

Hayate looked at the slice of tomato. _Whats the worst that could happen? _Hayate started to slowly lift the tomato into his mouth.

"Oh my gosh, he's gonna do it!" Kasumi clapped her hands excitedly.

"Eat it!" Ryu pressured.

As Hayate started to chew he to turned green and he passed out.

Ryu zoomed in on Hayate's passed out face,"Ohhh, and he's out!!!"

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Ten minutes later...

Hayate woke up to the sound of Kasumi greeting someone at the door.

"Hello I'm glad you could make it on such short notice. Come in."

"Its my pleasure, really." It was a mans voice.

"Oh my gosh, he's here!" Hayate heard Ayane squeal as he could hear her feet running down hallway.

Hayate took a chocolate bar from out underneath the cushion and started eating.

Ryu came into Hayate's room,"Your personal trainer is here Hayate. Come on."

Hayate followed Ryu down the hall, eating his second chocolate bar in the last 5 minutes, and noticed an American guy with red hair and an equally red rugged beard.

Kasumi led the man to Hayate and introduced him,"Hayate, I would like you to meet Chuck Nowwis."

"Chuck Norris..." Chuck corrected.

"Whatever..."

The whole time Ayane had her disposable camera and took pictures of Chuck and herself taking various poises.

_Peace sign_. Righto

_Surprised face. _Hell yes.

_Thumbs up. _You bet.

_She so gets that from me..._ Hayate side tracked but then Chuck Norris asked,"So why do you want me to train you?"

"Cause I'm fat..." Hayate replied and took a bite out of a fourth chocolate bar.

"Well you won't lose weight eating these..." Chuck Norris took the chocolate bar away from Hayate and threw it out a window. Hayate was about to lunge at Chuck but Ayane held Hayate back and petted his head signing a nursery rhyme. Hayate stopped foaming at the mouth and started to sway back and forth. Ryu snapped his fingers, freeing Hayate from his trance.

"Hi my name is Hayate, nice to meet you Chuck Nowwis." Hayate introduced himself , shaking Chucks hand.

"Chuck Norris."

"Whatever."

"So how did you know how to find us?" Ryu asked.

"Oh, I gave him a call and told him where we lived." Kasumi answered.

"Wait...how do you know him?" Ayane eyed Kasumi curiously. _How come I don't!_

"Well, it started when..."

(screen fades away and you see image of Kasumi and Chuck Norris waiting at a bus stop...)

Chuck Norris turns to Kasumi "Excuse me, what time is it?"

"3:30..."

"Oh...thanks..."

(The screen fades back.)

"..."

"Any...ways..." Ryu started.

"Alright, we're going to start his training with this!" Chuck Norris pulled out a small black box with a red button.

"How do you use it?" Hayate trying to take it.

Chuck Norris slapped his hand away. "No touching. Is there any place where we could train, Kasumi?"

"Well we have that huge room with all the mirrors on the wall."

"That'll do!"

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Chuck Norris put the box on the floor and pressed the red button. Suddenly it started to shake and it transformed into a...something.

"Whoa, what is that?!" Hayate asked wide-eyed. It looked like it was for torture.

"Its called the boflex. Which can be yours now for 10 easy payments of 39.99 but if you call now we'll though in this free fanny-pack"

"Huh?"

Chuck Norris coughed and regained his composure. "Sorry bad memories you don't want to hear it. This is my personal exercising machine."

"Oh okay how does it work?" Hayate asked as he stuck his hand through a small hole on the side. He tried to take it out...he tried again...and again.

"Hey guys!" He tried again...nothing "GUYS!"

Kasumi screamed "Oh my gosh, whats that thing doing to his hand?"

"Don't ask questions. Help me!"

"I-I think that we should pull him out!" Ayane suggested.

"You think!?"

Kasumi wrapped her arms around Hayates waist and Ayane did the same to her. Ryu grabbed the other end of the boflex. Chuck Norris was about to wrap his arms around Ryu but Ryu held up his hands. "I don't roll that way."

Chuck shrugged, "Sorry..."

"Can we get back to getting my hand out of this thing." Hayate cried.

"Okay on 3 everybody!" Kasumi ordered. "1...2...3!"

As soon as they started to pull Hayate was freed but flung to the other side of the room. He crashed into a wall and was buried under a pile of rubble.

Everybody looked at each other.

When Hayate emerged from the pile, his blue headband was around his neck, his hair was a mess and he had a very neutral look on his face.

"I don't like the boflex."Hayate said as he got up and started to tidy himself up. He took out a chocolate bar and took a bite before he asked Chuck,"Got anything else."

"Uh, I have the official Chuck Norris punching bag."

"That'll do..."

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This time Hayate was actually working out on his punching bag and everybody was in the room to make sure that he wouldn't eat chocolate. Ryu was filing his nails again...there was nothing better to do. Ayane had made a Chuck Norris shirt and hat with the pictures she took earlier and was sitting with him on a bench. While Kasumi had brought in a boom box, to listen to soma of dat ghetto-lycious mursic.

Ayane scooted over to Chuck Norris and tapped his shoulder,"Mr.Nowwis?"

"Norris..."

"Whatever...is it true that when you do a push up you don't push yourself up but you push the earth down?"

"No..."

Ayane looked confused. "But...I mean the fact that you counted to infinity twice is true, right?

"No that's not true either..."

"Huh? What about the fact that your chief export is pain..."

"Where did you learn all these things?"

"Well I was surfing the internet once and..."

"Oh...those 100 facts about me written but some nerd. Yeah they are all just lies..." Chuck Norris said simply.

"You mean I spent all my 15th birthday trying to drown a fish cause of you!? I've been living

f-king lie!!!" Ayane threw the hat she was wearing to the floor and stormed to where Kasumi was sitting.

"Watch you language Ayane or I'm telling my mom." Kasumi warned.

"Tell your mom see if I care!"

"Shes your mom too you know..."

"Well...you...I...shut up..."

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"Hey is anyone thirty?" Chuck asked.

"Me." Hayate immediately raised his hand.

"I'm kinda thirsty myself." Ryu also raised his hand.

"Okay I'll go get some water..."

Everyone watched as Chuck left the room.

"FINALLY!" Hayate fell over on his back, his arms stiff.

"Hey Kasumi, what kind of songs are those?" Ryu asked pointing to the boom box.

"I dunno I bought it off this guy for 3 bucks..."

"It such a catchy song..." Ryu walked over to the boom box and saw two little holes where you could put karaoke microphones in.

"Hey Kasumi, would you happen to have any microphones?"

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Chuck was returning to the room with the water when he heard music coming from the other side of the door. It sounded like Hayate and Ryu where dueting to something.

_What you gon' do with all that junk?  
All that junk inside your trunk?  
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,  
Get you love drunk off my humps.  
My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my humps  
My humps, my humps my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)_

Chuck dropped the water bottles and opened the door. What he saw was Hayate and Ryu jamming out on a karaoke machine, that used to be a boom box and Kasumi and Ayane where dancing to the music.

_I drive these scrubber crazy,  
I do it on the daily,  
They treat me really nicely,  
They buy me all these ice-ys.  
Dulce & Gabbana,  
Fendi and then Donna  
Caring, they be sharin'  
All their money got me wearin' _

Chuck Norris ran up to the boom box and round house kicked it into the wall. Hayate still had the microphone in his hand and kept signing...even when the music stopped. "Mix your milk with my coco puff.milky...milky...coco puff-?" Hayate stopped signing and opened his eyes and saw Kasumi's boom box shattered against the wall."Hey..." He was tearing up again. _That was my jam..._

"Dang-, with a round house like that how come your not invited to the Dead or Alive tournament." Ryu commented.

"Dead or Alive tournament? You mean that thing on the Xbox!?! No wonder all of you seem familiar! I gotta tell someone!" Chuck was too shocked to move.

"Oh great job Ryu, now he knows."Hayate sighed and in unison everybody put dark sunglasses on. Hayate took out something that looked like a pen with a little itty bitty red light. "Say bye bye to mister Nowwis everyone!"

"Bye Bye..."Everyone waved to Chuck. Except for Ryu who was waving a handkerchief.

"MY NAME IS CHUCK NOR-" Before he could finish a blinding flash that came from the pen made Chuck pass out.


	3. Montage

It been a while you guys. Megosh like a month...well anyways. I message my reviewers back but I don't know if anyone gets it. Check you emails of something y'all. Here's the new chapter. I'll work on the next one twice as hard though. Later Gators. :3

Read. Laugh. Review. ( -never gets old...)

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They had dumped Chuck Norris outside somewhere. The guy knew his way home... Now everyone was in the living room brainstorming ideas to make Hayate lose weight.

"Man I've got nothing!" Ryu said after 5 minutes.

"Yeah me neither..." Ayane added.

Kasumi saw that Hayate was laying on the floor eating another chocolate bar. _How to make Hayate lose weight? How?_ thinking, thinking, thinking. A little light bulb appeared above Kasumi's head. "I know." Kasumi started,"maybe if we break his chocolate addiction, he can lose weight!"

Hayate sat up. "Huh?"

"Yeah, then we can get him to eat healthy food!" Ryu said punching his hand.

"Wha...?"

"We could use that meditation whatever that Kasumi tried to use on me!" Ayane suggested.

"...What?" Hayate stood up now. _What are they saying?!_ He put his hand on his chin and nibbled on his chocolate bar thinking. Loading into Hayate's head. Please wait.

Process complete.

Hayate's eyes widened. "No! I will never let you take them away!-"

He tried to get away but Kasumi and Ayane grabbed his arms and pinned him on the floor. Ryu took the chocolate bar out of his hand and threw it behind him.

"NO! I wasn't done with that." Hayate yelled. Then he though of a plan...

Hayate put on a sincere face and calmly said,"Why are you doing this to me, you guys? My best friend and my own flesh and blood are trying to take away the one thing that makes my life complete and happy. Don't you all want me to be happy?" He did the googlie eyes and bottom lip thing.

Kasumi and Ayane started to let go. "Of course we want you happ-" Kasumi started but was caught short by Hayate going "suckers!", grabbing a chocolate bar out of nowhere and taking off.

Ryu stood up and watched him run off into another room.

"That punk!"

"Let's get him!"

They started to run into the room after Hayate, that popped out of another door across from it-

Screen goes black, then it comes back on.

Hayate and everybody else are shown in directors chairs. Hayate waves and greets,"Hey everybody! We are interrupting this scene because...well take it away Ryu."

"Um, I don't know. I was just told to sit here and look pretty..."

"Okay, Kasumi take it away."

Kasumi smiles big. "Alrighty, the reason that we interrupted was because we wanted to do a scooby doo montage but- none of know how to explain the coming in and out of doors thing or the rest of the song after _scooby dooby doo where are you?_"

Ayane throws her hand in the air,"So we decided to skip the WHOLE thing!"

Kasumi hits Ayane on the arm. "Don't interrupt me!"

Ayane hits her back,"Don't hit me!"

Kasumi pulls Ayane's hair,"Purple!"

Ayane does the same,"Orange!"

"Get ready, figh-" Before the announcer lady could finish Hayate got up knocking down his own chair. "Can you two please stop for one second! This story is about me!"

Kasumi points to Ayane,"She started it. Her and her unnatural hair color..."

Ryu put his hand over his mouth to add an effect."Ohhh..."

"This hair color is almost as unnatural as your boobs!" Ayane snapped back.

Ryu made a dramatic face. "Dis!!!"

Kasumi pounced at Ayane.

"Get ready, _fight!_"

Hayate had his back turned to the screen just watching the fight go on. He runs up to the screen with tears in his eyes and starts to shake it. "Just go back to the story! PLEASE!!!"

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clears throat Back to our story...After the montage, Hayate is captured.

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Hayate sat in a dark room with a blind fold on his hands tied to his back. The only source of light came from a little light bulb that hung from the ceiling.

"Hello..." Hayate's voice echoed. _Did they forget me? It better not be something dirty again or I'm gonna..._

Suddenly a hand came and grabbed the cord of the light bulb, stopping it from swinging back and forth. Ryu, Ayane, and Kasumi emerged from the dark. "So Hayate," Ryu started,"I guess you know why your here..."

Hayate thought. and thought. and thought s'more. "Actually, no...no I don't."

"Oh...What nobody told him?!"

Ayane and Kasumi just shrugged.

Ryu shuck his hands in front of him. "Never mind, bring out the slide show thing."

Out of the dark Kasumi pulled out a little projector, that had a little remote next to it so that you could change slides. Ayane took Hayate's blind fold off and Kasumi told Hayate what the heck was going on. "All we're going to do is show you some slides of what chocolate can do to you, okay?"

"Okay!" Hayate replied.

"Get ready, this is the first slide." Ayane said. The first slide was a cut off picture of a obese person.

"Whoa..."

"Where not even to the worst parts yet..."

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"Get me out of this chair!!!" Hayate shouted. "Turn it off!!!"

"I knew yeast infection would get him..."Kasumi muttered triumphantly to herself.

Ryu and Ayane were trying to untie him while Kasumi brought out another little sliding table but on this table it had a purple napkin covering something small.

"Ugh, that was horrible. Especially that Willy Wonka guy." Hayate shivered just thinking about it.

"Now there's just one test you have to pass..."Ryu said as he took the purple napkin off and uncovered a chocolate bar. Hayate just stared at it.

5 seconds...10 seconds...15 seconds...

"Whoa, That's nestle!!!" Hayate grabbed the chocolate bar and stuffed it in his mouth.

Everybody slapped their heads. (There was a mosquito on Hayates forehead. )


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